New Orleans at Green Bay (-4)
With Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers’ touchdown celebration being the championship belt, it makes you wonder what an actual fight between Aaron Rodgers and the previous Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees might look like. I envision it looking something like this. Quick, some one call Don King and get this into the ring.
Pick: Packers
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (-2.5)
After their war of words via Twitter, Ryan Clark is going to be hunting for Ray Rice. What are the chances that he gets fined more money for illegal hits in this game than James Harrison? About the same as Ben Roethlisberger’s marriage lasting more than a year.
Pick: Steelers (and to win)
Detroit at Tampa Bay (-1.5)
Remember when your mom told you that you should be nice to the nerds because they might be your bosses some day? Well this game is like a game between the nerds, no one really cares, yet.
Pick: Bucs
Atlanta at Chicago (+3)
Has anyone still found out how in the world the Bears made it back to the NFC Championship game last year? The worst part, they may actually want Rex Grossman back now.
Pick: Atlanta
Bonus: Over/Under 5 signs attacking Jay Cutler—I am taking the over.
Buffalo at Kansas City (-6)
The Bills have filed a petition with the NFL after looking at the matchup for this game; they thought it was unfair that they had to play the Patriots three times this year. Ryan Fitzpatrick had to explain to everyone that all of the players and coaches were not actually part of the Patriots organization anymore.
Pick: Chiefs
Indianapolis at Houston (-9)
I am with Reggie Wayne, I also have confidence in…wait, what is his name; the guy who has been holding the clipboard of Peyton’s offense for so long. Yeah, not going to be able to think of it. Foster needed 231 yards on the ground last year to beat the Colts, he may only need 31 this year.
Pick: Texans
Philadelphia at St. Louis (+5)
After a pathetic off-season that saw many of his critics scoff at the $100 million contract Mike Vick received from the Eagles, Vick admits that having been away from the organization for so long during the lockout he forgot to adjust for the ARGF in his throws. The Andy Reid Gravitational Force is a serious phenomenon and the U.S. government is still trying to account for Reid’s whereabouts during the earthquake just a few weeks ago on the east coast.
Pick: Eagles
Cincinnati at Cleveland (-6.5)
When asked if he would feel comfortable being the starting quarterback for the Bengals, Andy Dalton responded “Well I thought I would be comfortable because with orange helmets I just treated it like a toss with my family, but I found out the Browns wear orange helmets too. I thought their helmets were going to be brown, so now I will be confused.”
Pick: Browns
Tennessee at Jacksonville (-2)
In a few weeks this game would have featured a duel between first-round picks Jake Locker and Blaine Gabbert. Instead it is a duel between a washed-up old bald guy who lost his job in Seattle to Tarvaris Jackson and a guy who was rejected by the Browns because he wasn’t good enough—yeah, now NO one will watch this game.
Pick: Titans (and to win)
New York (N) at Washington (+3)
If people aren’t already questioning whether or not Mike Shanahan is actually a good coach, they should. Either that, or he realized how screwed up the Redskins organization is and wants out and he figured no quarterback could quite ruin a coaching career like Rex Grossman.
Pick: Giants
Carolina at Arizona (-7)
During contract negotiations, Bus Cook, Cam Newton’s agent, had to remind Cam’s dad that this wasn’t college anymore and that the whole idea was pay-for-play so his son could get more than $180,000 under the table. Now Cecil Newton will have to be reminded that his son isn’t the kid with the weird pituitary gland anymore and won’t be able to run over everyone. Anyone else looking forward to him getting flattened?
Pick: Cardinals
Seattle at San Francisco (-5.5)
I wonder if Pete Carroll coached Marshawn Lynch to grab his crotch at the end of that run that sealed the fate of the Saints in the playoffs to stick it to Reggie Bush. I think they should make a mold of that moment and give it to the college player who took the most illegal benefits each year and escapes penalty.
Pick: San Francisco
Minnesota at San Diego (-8.5)
Even the notoriously slow starting Chargers couldn’t falter against a team that now serves as the exit ramp between great careers and retirement and waste number 12 picks on a guy with a name that sounds like a gimmicky theologian—Christian Ponder, really?
Pick: Chargers
Dallas at New York (A) (-4.5)
What are the chances that Rex Ryan signed Plaxico in the hopes that he might accidentally shoot himself again, only this time hitting his foot instead of his thigh and then Rex would be there to save the day and get a chance to nurse his foot back to health and tape the whole thing for his enjoyment later? Yeah, I thought it was a long shot too. May the best Ryan win.
Pick: Cowboys (and to win)
New England at Miami (+7)
Miami has decided that they are only good enough to have Heisman winning running backs on their roster. The subtraction of pothead Ricky Williams meant that they had to sign oft-injured and overrated Reggie Bush. Man don’t they wish they had the small white guy they used to have playing receiver who never won anything in his life, Wes Welker, back.
Pick: Patriots
Oakland at Denver (-3)
This game got slated for Monday Night Football? I know there are two games on the first Monday night, but who thought that this would be a good one to show. Whoever it is got a 5-game suspension for selling his soul to the devil (a.k.a Al Davis)
Pick: Broncos
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