So after an unbearably long hiatus from making my picks and inundating you with the not funny jokes that I blame entirely on the genes that my father has handed to me, I return in this pivotal week 7. I have been gone so long with my cousin’s wedding and my Italian roommate being in the USA that I am looking to get kicked out in the second quarter.
Seattle at Cleveland (-3)
The best thing that Cleveland sports has had in the last year is the fact that Peyton Hillis was featured on the cover of Madden 2012. How did that work out? The Madden Curse strikes again. Or was it the Cleveland Curse? The new best thing to happen in Cleveland sports, the Cavaliers season won’t start on time so residents won’t have watch that horror show.
Pick: Browns
Atlanta at Detroit (-3.5)
Jim Schwartz has never been so fired up as he was after the botched handshake with Jim Harbaugh. Schwartz fired up still looks like a comatose blind guy. Funny, up until this year, that is what the entire Detroit Lions depth chart looked like on the field.
Pick: Lions
Houston at Tennessee (-3)
The Houston Texans have two running backs that have out gained Chris Johnson on the ground by 55 and 112 yards. It’s alright though, the Titans are paying him more than 3 times as much money as those two running backs combined. Good thing they are interested in Terrell Owens. Then they could have two overpaid players who could ruin the clubhouse. Advice for the Titans: The Bengals’ business model did not work out.
Pick: Titans
Denver at Miami (-1)
The man under center for the Dolphins was so bad the Panthers turned him on. The Romans turned on the man under center for the Broncos because he was also God. For once, the Miami Dolphins might have a game that is not blacked out because loads of people have to make the pilgrimage to Miami to save their souls.
Pick: Broncos (and to win)
San Diego at New York (A) (+2)
Norv Turner and Rex Ryan are two stereotypical kids in a grade school class. Turner is the weird, whiny kid that no one wants to be friends with; Ryan, the fat kid who bullies because he actually is not good at anything, but fakes it really well. Anyone else want to see Jim Harbaugh, the well groomed, jock who is great at everything give these guys more than a firm handshake? Shut up Rex, you haven’t won anything or made good on any of your predictions.
Pick: Jets (and to win)
Chicago at Tampa Bay (+1)
People of London, you have before you one of the most boring games to watch. Why is it that we always give them the worst games? I guess its pay back for them sending us their washed up soccer stars. Suckers, now you get Jay Cutler. America wins again.
Pick: Bucs
Washington at Carolina (-2.5)
Before last week the Redskins were riding high and nothing could touch this team headed for the top of the division. Four interceptions later, John Beck is now the starter and the Eagles are once again winners and darlings in the eyes of experts everywhere. Damn, that means Cam Newton needed on more interception last week to be the screw up everyone was waiting for. The Public’s opinion changes faster than Dan Snyder spends money.
Pick: Redskins (and to win)
Kansas City at Oakland (-6)
Carson Palmer is once again in the role of starting quarterback. Pretty soon his counterpart in Kansas City, Matt Cassel, will be back to his role as a backup to Tyler Palko. Its like college all over again for USC quarterbacks. Next thing you know Matt Leinart will be a celebrity and a top quarterback, hanging with other top-level celebrities. Alright, that last one was pretty ridiculous, but the first two are true. Weird.
Pick: Chiefs
Pittsburgh at Arizona (+4)
How many times have you heard Kevin Kolb’s name called this year? About as many times as you have heard from the women in Roethlisberger’s trials, only there isn’t any hush money when it comes to Kevin Kolb. Maybe he should start demanding some.
Pick: Steelers
St. Louis at Dallas (-13)
Tony Romo or Tony Oh-No. Who plays this week? In the end it doesn’t matter because Tony Oh-Who-Cares-You-Play-For-The-Cowboys-And-Act-Like-A-Jerk-So-No-One-Will-Ever-Like-You-And-You-And-The-Team-Around-You-Aren’t-Good-Enough-To-Win-A-Super-Bowl-But-People-Talk-Like-You-Are will be playing so America will love to hate the Cowboys. Who needs a “Big Three” to hate when you can just hate Tony Romo times three.
Pick: Rams
Green Bay at Minnesota (+9)
So ends the Donovan McNabb experiment in Minnesota. Really? You mean a fat, out-of-shape, inaccurate quarterback who made a living on extending the play didn’t work out for a team with a less than spectacular receiving corps. Who saw that coming? Our old friend, the tacky, television theologian Christian Ponder did. Now he will fail which everyone saw coming.
Pick: Vikings
Indianapolis at New Orleans (-14)
Curtis Painter is the Pete Myers of football. Who is Pete Myers you ask? He became the starting shooting guard for the Chicago Bulls when Michael Jordan decided to retire for a baseball career. The point is, that the Colts are terrible and it is all this guy’s fault.
Pick: Colts
Baltimore at Jacksonville (+8)
The Jaguars could be the least interesting team in the NFL. Seriously, even the Ravens don’t have any desire to murder any of the guys on the team because there would be no reason too. They should be the team to sign Terrell Owens, because there is no clubhouse character to destroy.
Pick: Ravens
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