NFL Divisional Round Handicapper

New Orleans at San Francisco (+3.5)

Why the Saints will win:

Does anyone really believe that Jim Harbaugh has, in one year, transformed Alex Smith into a NFC Championship game QB from the terrible first pick bust that he had been for so many years?  No.  Does anyone believe that the 49ers defense is as good as the numbers say they are after they played six games in the mid-major of NFL divisions?  No.  A team can only impose its physical will on another team if it can catch them; the Saints’ offense runs circles around everyone they play.

Why the 49ers will win:

Everyone has seen the numbers about Drew Brees’ reduced effectiveness away from home.  If you haven’t, he is 9-0 at home, but 5-3 on the road.  In the regular season he threw 29 TDs at home, but only 17 away.  But what is the one thing that everyone needs to know?  Saints can make all teams from the mid-major NFC West look like the Butler of the NFL.  Its like terrible teams are the Saints’ kryptonite.

Pick:  Saints.

Denver at New England (-13.5)

Why the Broncos will win:

Here we go again.  The Demigod formerly known as Tim Tebow, plus some defensive miscues, play calling ineptitude, and key players on defense missing from the other team.

Why the Patriots will win:

The good-haired god that has been leading the potent Patriots offense behind its terrific tight-ends, Tom Brady.  He is so dreamy he makes me want to use alliteration in telling his triumphs; he is like a mythological being.  This victory would probably not go among his best as it is against a team that is one win above .500, lets be real about the Broncos.

Pick:  Broncos (but Pats win).

Houston at Baltimore (-7.5)

Why the Ravens will win:

Ray Rice, Terrell Suggs, Ray Lewis, Naloti Ngata, Anquan Boldin, Ed Reed, Vonta Leach, Torrey Smith, Ed Dickson, Bryant McKinnie, Ben Grubbs, Matt Birk, Marshal Yanda, Michael Oher, Terrence Cody, Cory Redding, Jameel McClain, Jarret Johnson, Lardarius Webb, Bernard Pollard, Cary Williams.

Why the Texans will win:

Joe Flacco.

Pick:  Texans (but Ravens win).

New York (N) at Green Bay (-7.5)

Why the Giants will win:

We have seen it time and time again:  teams take a week off and then they have a first-round bye, and then they can’t knock the rust off fast enough.  We have seen the Giants do this before, get on a hot streak and look unstoppable.  The Giants love the fact that the NFL Playoffs are run like March Madness and not like the BCS, I am just in the mood for March Madness today.

Why the Packers will win:

On a truly serious and somber note, the death of Michael Philbin, son of Packers’ offensive coordinator Joe Philbin, is just the kind of thing that can give these players an emotional edge and allow them to realize a bigger reason to play for.  It is cane be just the thing to knock off the rust from a hiatus before the game begins.  My thoughts and prayers are with the Philbin family and the extremely close Packer community.

Pick:  Giants (but Packers win).

NFL Wild Card Round Handicapper

Bengals at Texans (-3)

Why the Bengals will win:

Home field advantage is vital in the playoffs and Reliant Stadium will be filled with Bengals fans because the only football professional football team that exists in the minds of Texas residents Romo-ed right out of the playoffs.  Seriously, the Texans have been the better team in Texas for the past two seasons and yet it is the pathetic Cowboys that get all the coverage, they haven’t done ANYTHING in the past 15 years but be the most overrated team in sports.

Why the Texans will win:

You could try and analyze this with some sort of depth, such as the Texans have an excellent running game to fall back on, or Andy Dalton has been ill and will not have a full week to prepare.  Or you could just realize that they are playing the Bengals…in the playoffs.

Pick:  Texans.

Detroit at New Orleans (-10.5)

Why the Lions will win:

Last year the Saints were ousted from the playoffs by the crotch-grabbing Marshawn Lynch and his rag tag group of Seahawks teammates.  This Lions team has Calvin Johnson who takes beast-mode to a whole new level.

Why the Saints will win:

Is that even a question?  The Saints can drop points faster than the Lions dropped games when they went 0-16 just a few seasons ago.  Drew Brees has as many weapons at receiver as the Lions have failed draft picks at receiver.

Pick:  Lions (but the Saints still win).

Atlanta at New York (N) (-3)

Why the Falcons will win:

The Falcons don’t need to play good defense, they just need to be adequate because Kevin Gilbride can’t run a good offense for the Giants, he isn’t even adequate.  Seriously, let Eli Manning be more like big brother and basically call his own offense because Gilbride is a moron.

Why the Giants will win:

The Giants have been here before and have veterans throughout the roster who know how to win in January.  Also, the gladiators that they have up front might actually start just killing people, because that is the next step for them.  I think that they should all agree to wear the terrifying facemask/visor combination that Chris Canty (the scrub of the bunch) wears.

Pick:  Falcons (and to win).

Pittsburgh at Denver (+8.5)

Why the Steelers will win:

The former Demigod known as Tim Tebow.

Why the Broncos will win:

The Demigod formerly known as Tim Tebow.

Pick:  Steelers.