NFL Championship Weekend Handicapper

Baltimore at New England (-7)

Offense:  Who would you rather follow into battle?  The guy who looks and throws like Bert?  Or George Washington?  I mean seriously, I know Tom Brady hasn’t brought his Patriots to post-season glory recently, but he has won 3 Super Bowls.  He puts up numbers that Joe Flacco couldn’t even put up at Delaware against defenses that Tim Tebow could shred with his arm.  Brady makes throws that Flacco can’t make in video games.  And this isn’t mentioning the fact that (unlike the last time the Ravens ousted the Pats from the playoffs) Brady has two of the best safety valves in Gronkowski and Hernandez and the best underneath receiver in Welker.

Defense:  No one is debating who is better here.  The clear answer is the Ravens.  That being said, however, the debate that rages now:  Is the Ravens defense more overrated as the third ranked defense or is the Patriots defense more underrated as the 31^st ranked defense, is a good one.  The Patriots are playing better and coming together now more so than any point in the year.  We have seen them start to get some consistent pressure on the quarterback and look better in coverage.  The Ravens are clearly the better defense, but with the exception of some key interceptions on terrible decisions by the rookie T.J. Yates, they did not look nearly as vaunted as they have been (and were when they last made an appearance in and won the Super Bowl).

So the Ravens will win because:  T-Sizzle decides to show himself and actually hit Tom Brady and he knocks him out of the game.  Seriously though, the Ravens HAVE to get to Tom Brady while finding a way to neutralize the underneath routes to Gronkowski, Hernandez, and Welker while also shutting down any semblance of a running game like the one that the Texans established against them last week.

So the Patriots will win because:  Tom Brady and Bill Belichick continue to play with an apparent chip on their shoulders because they haven’t performed in the playoffs recently.  Tom Brady, arguably, has more and better weapons this year than he ever has and it is time for him to once again lead his team through the rest of the NFL.  Also the Patriots did arguably the smartest thing I have seen them do in a long time in terms of game planning.  Look for the same formation of Hernandez in the backfield that yielded some good runs last week, but this time Hernandez will be used to chip Suggs off the edge and catch some short passes that could turn into some big gains, and if the Ravens cheat, they can always run the ball out of that formation still.

Pick:  Patriots.

New York (N) (I put the “N” to really shove it in the faces of Jets fans that they aren’t playing this week) at San Francisco (-2.5)

Offense:  Well up until last week, everyone in the football world thought that in San Francisco they spelled offense “G-O-R-E.”  Now they have “The Catch 2.0” or whatever you want to call it, and they are ready to crown their new dynasty.  Lets not get ahead of ourselves.  Eli Manning is playing better than ANY quarterback in the 4^th quarter right now.  His receivers trust him and he seems to have the leadership qualities that have made Peyton so successful (about time).  Kevin Gilbride is the biggest problem for this offense, seriously when will he learn that Brandon Jacobs plays like he weighs 100 lbs.

Defense:  The 49ers defense is the strength of this team.  Their line, linebacking corps, and secondary are all strong.  They will need to come into the game and hit the Giants in the mouth early and often, and keep that pace through out the game.  The Giants’ d-line and secondary are scary for two very different reasons.  Their d-line is absurdly good and deep.  Their secondary could be the biggest underachieving unit in the NFL, they have 4 first-round picks and 2 second-round picks and yet they ranked 29^th in passing defense.

So the Giants will win because:  The defensive line gets to, and rattles Alex Smith.  Eli Manning should have a good game.  That being said, the 49ers defense is stout enough that the Giants defense will need to make some stops.  They need to keep Frank Gore bottled up to the extent that forces Alex Smith to do some work on 3^rd down.  They are very capable of doing this, but they need to execute their game plan on both sides of the ball (and have a decent one on the offensive side of the ball).

So the 49ers will win because:  Jim Harbaugh has had and will continue to have one of the greatest coaching seasons in recent Big 4 (NFL, NHL, MLB, NBA) sports history.  Seriously, this guy could will LeBron James to win a championship in the 4^th quarter if he got the shot.  If this team can avoid panic and stick to the game plan that allowed them to be successful all year, including against the Giants (although a much less hot Giants team), then they could find themselves in the Super Bowl.

Pick:  Giants (and to win).

NFL Divisional Round Handicapper

New Orleans at San Francisco (+3.5)

Why the Saints will win:

Does anyone really believe that Jim Harbaugh has, in one year, transformed Alex Smith into a NFC Championship game QB from the terrible first pick bust that he had been for so many years?  No.  Does anyone believe that the 49ers defense is as good as the numbers say they are after they played six games in the mid-major of NFL divisions?  No.  A team can only impose its physical will on another team if it can catch them; the Saints’ offense runs circles around everyone they play.

Why the 49ers will win:

Everyone has seen the numbers about Drew Brees’ reduced effectiveness away from home.  If you haven’t, he is 9-0 at home, but 5-3 on the road.  In the regular season he threw 29 TDs at home, but only 17 away.  But what is the one thing that everyone needs to know?  Saints can make all teams from the mid-major NFC West look like the Butler of the NFL.  Its like terrible teams are the Saints’ kryptonite.

Pick:  Saints.

Denver at New England (-13.5)

Why the Broncos will win:

Here we go again.  The Demigod formerly known as Tim Tebow, plus some defensive miscues, play calling ineptitude, and key players on defense missing from the other team.

Why the Patriots will win:

The good-haired god that has been leading the potent Patriots offense behind its terrific tight-ends, Tom Brady.  He is so dreamy he makes me want to use alliteration in telling his triumphs; he is like a mythological being.  This victory would probably not go among his best as it is against a team that is one win above .500, lets be real about the Broncos.

Pick:  Broncos (but Pats win).

Houston at Baltimore (-7.5)

Why the Ravens will win:

Ray Rice, Terrell Suggs, Ray Lewis, Naloti Ngata, Anquan Boldin, Ed Reed, Vonta Leach, Torrey Smith, Ed Dickson, Bryant McKinnie, Ben Grubbs, Matt Birk, Marshal Yanda, Michael Oher, Terrence Cody, Cory Redding, Jameel McClain, Jarret Johnson, Lardarius Webb, Bernard Pollard, Cary Williams.

Why the Texans will win:

Joe Flacco.

Pick:  Texans (but Ravens win).

New York (N) at Green Bay (-7.5)

Why the Giants will win:

We have seen it time and time again:  teams take a week off and then they have a first-round bye, and then they can’t knock the rust off fast enough.  We have seen the Giants do this before, get on a hot streak and look unstoppable.  The Giants love the fact that the NFL Playoffs are run like March Madness and not like the BCS, I am just in the mood for March Madness today.

Why the Packers will win:

On a truly serious and somber note, the death of Michael Philbin, son of Packers’ offensive coordinator Joe Philbin, is just the kind of thing that can give these players an emotional edge and allow them to realize a bigger reason to play for.  It is cane be just the thing to knock off the rust from a hiatus before the game begins.  My thoughts and prayers are with the Philbin family and the extremely close Packer community.

Pick:  Giants (but Packers win).

NFL Week 15 Handicapper

Jacksonville at Atlanta (12.5)

The Falcons looked poised to return to the playoffs yet again with Matt Ryan running the show.  The Jaguars looked poised for a move to Los Angeles because there is no such thing as a Jacksonville fan to watch the show, however pathetic, being put on by Blaine Gabbert.

Pick:  Falcons.

Dallas at Tampa Bay (+9)

The Cowboys players were excited for their trip to Tampa Bay, because they want to remain as warm as possible on their way down the chute in yet another December collapse.  The funny thing is, with the holidays America’s team collapses, but America’s economy gets a boost.

Pick:  Bucs.

Miami at Buffalo (Pick)

Surprising that after Monday Night Football featured Seattle and St. Louis last week that they didn’t pick up another game between division rivals that is completely unimportant and bound to be more boring than winter in upstate New York.

Pick:  Bills (to win)

Seattle at Chicago (-3.5)

It was the hand of God that forced Marion Barber out-of-bounds and caused him to fumble the ball last week against the Broncos, right?  Wrong, it was the fact that he played for the Dallas Cowboys and caught the disease known as “Tonius Decemberomo” or for short, “Tony Romo’s Disease.”

Pick:  Bears.

Tennessee at Indianapolis (+6.5)

Chris Johnson has looked like an all-pro yet again the last few weeks.  The closest thing that the Colts have to an all-pro is Jim Irsay’s Twitter game.

Pick:  Colts.

Green Bay at Kansas City (+11)

The biggest blow that Green Bay has suffered all year was Greg Jennings spraining his knee last week.  The biggest blow that the Chiefs suffered was starting the year with the roster that they had.

Pick:  Packers.

Cincinnati at St. Louis (+7)

Andy Dalton and the Bengals at one point found themselves holding the top seed in the AFC, but now they need to stop a slide and push their way into the playoffs.  Luckily for them, they play the Rams who are essentially an emergency brake in the cars of all other NFL teams.

Pick:  Bengals.

New Orleans at Minnesota (+7.5)

The Saints are arguably the biggest threat to beating the Packers.  The Vikings, meanwhile, are the biggest threat to beating the Jaguars to Los Angeles.  The Vikings could join the Lakers as professional teams to flee Minnesota for the glamour of LA, they might also finally win some titles if they make that move like the Lakers have.

Pick:  Saints.

Washington at New York (N) (-6.5)

Remember when the Redskins opened the year with a victory over the G-Men and we thought that the race was on in the NFC East?  Too bad Rex Grossman is like a time bomb and when he goes off he explodes crap in all directions.

Pick:  Giants.

Carolina at Houston (-6)

The Texans have already clinched the first division title in the franchise’s history, and did so in spite of injuries.  The Panthers have remained in obscurity and have done so in spite of being able to legally pay Cam Newton and his teammates.

Pick:  Panthers.

Detroit at Oakland (+3)

Both of these teams are trying to fight their way out of recent struggles and make their mark on playoff football.  No one has been talking about this game, however, because the last time that a game between these two has had playoff implications was before Al Davis knew what football was.

Pick:  Lions.

New England at Denver (+7.5)

Huh, didn’t know this game was being played this week.  No one is talking about it at all.  Has anyone else seen the ads for the Christian dating website?  I think that they should have Tim Tebow do an ad during the game saying, “Are you sick of pretty boys, and guys with babies out of wedlock?  Stop thinking about looks first and think about God’s role in your relationships.”  They should also make sure their ad comes immediately after Tom Brady’s Ugg boot commercial.

Pick:  Patriots.

New York (A) at Philadelphia (-3)

Teams that have Philadelphia on the schedule still are now being said to have “tough” schedules.  What will it take for people to give up on the hype and “potential” that this Eagles’ team has?  This team is terrible.  The players haven’t come together, the coaching staff is a joke, and people would rather watch a crappier version of Mike Vick play in Denver.

Pick:  Jets (and to win).

Cleveland at Arizona (-6.5)

Colt McCoy was in the news because the hit that he suffered at the hands of James Harrison earned Harrison a suspension and so it was played over and over and over again.  Good thing McCoy will have no recollection of seeing it at all because of the concussion that he wasn’t tested for.  Good job cracking down on those NFL.

Pick:  Cardinals.

Baltimore at San Diego (+2.5)

The Chargers are sliding hard at the end of the year and it looks like they will fall short of the playoffs because of Tim Tebow’s comebacks.  Norv Turner won’t end up being fired because of his own stupidity, but rather someone else’s genius.  Funny how that goes.

Pick:  Ravens.

Pittsburgh at San Francisco (-3)

Well this is weird, a good game between two classic, storied franchises featured on Monday night.  I have become so accustomed to not even thinking of watching football on Monday that I now have to reconsider my whole life it feels like.

Pick:  Steelers (and to win).