NFL Championship Weekend Handicapper

Baltimore at New England (-7)

Offense:  Who would you rather follow into battle?  The guy who looks and throws like Bert?  Or George Washington?  I mean seriously, I know Tom Brady hasn’t brought his Patriots to post-season glory recently, but he has won 3 Super Bowls.  He puts up numbers that Joe Flacco couldn’t even put up at Delaware against defenses that Tim Tebow could shred with his arm.  Brady makes throws that Flacco can’t make in video games.  And this isn’t mentioning the fact that (unlike the last time the Ravens ousted the Pats from the playoffs) Brady has two of the best safety valves in Gronkowski and Hernandez and the best underneath receiver in Welker.

Defense:  No one is debating who is better here.  The clear answer is the Ravens.  That being said, however, the debate that rages now:  Is the Ravens defense more overrated as the third ranked defense or is the Patriots defense more underrated as the 31^st ranked defense, is a good one.  The Patriots are playing better and coming together now more so than any point in the year.  We have seen them start to get some consistent pressure on the quarterback and look better in coverage.  The Ravens are clearly the better defense, but with the exception of some key interceptions on terrible decisions by the rookie T.J. Yates, they did not look nearly as vaunted as they have been (and were when they last made an appearance in and won the Super Bowl).

So the Ravens will win because:  T-Sizzle decides to show himself and actually hit Tom Brady and he knocks him out of the game.  Seriously though, the Ravens HAVE to get to Tom Brady while finding a way to neutralize the underneath routes to Gronkowski, Hernandez, and Welker while also shutting down any semblance of a running game like the one that the Texans established against them last week.

So the Patriots will win because:  Tom Brady and Bill Belichick continue to play with an apparent chip on their shoulders because they haven’t performed in the playoffs recently.  Tom Brady, arguably, has more and better weapons this year than he ever has and it is time for him to once again lead his team through the rest of the NFL.  Also the Patriots did arguably the smartest thing I have seen them do in a long time in terms of game planning.  Look for the same formation of Hernandez in the backfield that yielded some good runs last week, but this time Hernandez will be used to chip Suggs off the edge and catch some short passes that could turn into some big gains, and if the Ravens cheat, they can always run the ball out of that formation still.

Pick:  Patriots.

New York (N) (I put the “N” to really shove it in the faces of Jets fans that they aren’t playing this week) at San Francisco (-2.5)

Offense:  Well up until last week, everyone in the football world thought that in San Francisco they spelled offense “G-O-R-E.”  Now they have “The Catch 2.0” or whatever you want to call it, and they are ready to crown their new dynasty.  Lets not get ahead of ourselves.  Eli Manning is playing better than ANY quarterback in the 4^th quarter right now.  His receivers trust him and he seems to have the leadership qualities that have made Peyton so successful (about time).  Kevin Gilbride is the biggest problem for this offense, seriously when will he learn that Brandon Jacobs plays like he weighs 100 lbs.

Defense:  The 49ers defense is the strength of this team.  Their line, linebacking corps, and secondary are all strong.  They will need to come into the game and hit the Giants in the mouth early and often, and keep that pace through out the game.  The Giants’ d-line and secondary are scary for two very different reasons.  Their d-line is absurdly good and deep.  Their secondary could be the biggest underachieving unit in the NFL, they have 4 first-round picks and 2 second-round picks and yet they ranked 29^th in passing defense.

So the Giants will win because:  The defensive line gets to, and rattles Alex Smith.  Eli Manning should have a good game.  That being said, the 49ers defense is stout enough that the Giants defense will need to make some stops.  They need to keep Frank Gore bottled up to the extent that forces Alex Smith to do some work on 3^rd down.  They are very capable of doing this, but they need to execute their game plan on both sides of the ball (and have a decent one on the offensive side of the ball).

So the 49ers will win because:  Jim Harbaugh has had and will continue to have one of the greatest coaching seasons in recent Big 4 (NFL, NHL, MLB, NBA) sports history.  Seriously, this guy could will LeBron James to win a championship in the 4^th quarter if he got the shot.  If this team can avoid panic and stick to the game plan that allowed them to be successful all year, including against the Giants (although a much less hot Giants team), then they could find themselves in the Super Bowl.

Pick:  Giants (and to win).

NFL Week 15 Handicapper

Jacksonville at Atlanta (12.5)

The Falcons looked poised to return to the playoffs yet again with Matt Ryan running the show.  The Jaguars looked poised for a move to Los Angeles because there is no such thing as a Jacksonville fan to watch the show, however pathetic, being put on by Blaine Gabbert.

Pick:  Falcons.

Dallas at Tampa Bay (+9)

The Cowboys players were excited for their trip to Tampa Bay, because they want to remain as warm as possible on their way down the chute in yet another December collapse.  The funny thing is, with the holidays America’s team collapses, but America’s economy gets a boost.

Pick:  Bucs.

Miami at Buffalo (Pick)

Surprising that after Monday Night Football featured Seattle and St. Louis last week that they didn’t pick up another game between division rivals that is completely unimportant and bound to be more boring than winter in upstate New York.

Pick:  Bills (to win)

Seattle at Chicago (-3.5)

It was the hand of God that forced Marion Barber out-of-bounds and caused him to fumble the ball last week against the Broncos, right?  Wrong, it was the fact that he played for the Dallas Cowboys and caught the disease known as “Tonius Decemberomo” or for short, “Tony Romo’s Disease.”

Pick:  Bears.

Tennessee at Indianapolis (+6.5)

Chris Johnson has looked like an all-pro yet again the last few weeks.  The closest thing that the Colts have to an all-pro is Jim Irsay’s Twitter game.

Pick:  Colts.

Green Bay at Kansas City (+11)

The biggest blow that Green Bay has suffered all year was Greg Jennings spraining his knee last week.  The biggest blow that the Chiefs suffered was starting the year with the roster that they had.

Pick:  Packers.

Cincinnati at St. Louis (+7)

Andy Dalton and the Bengals at one point found themselves holding the top seed in the AFC, but now they need to stop a slide and push their way into the playoffs.  Luckily for them, they play the Rams who are essentially an emergency brake in the cars of all other NFL teams.

Pick:  Bengals.

New Orleans at Minnesota (+7.5)

The Saints are arguably the biggest threat to beating the Packers.  The Vikings, meanwhile, are the biggest threat to beating the Jaguars to Los Angeles.  The Vikings could join the Lakers as professional teams to flee Minnesota for the glamour of LA, they might also finally win some titles if they make that move like the Lakers have.

Pick:  Saints.

Washington at New York (N) (-6.5)

Remember when the Redskins opened the year with a victory over the G-Men and we thought that the race was on in the NFC East?  Too bad Rex Grossman is like a time bomb and when he goes off he explodes crap in all directions.

Pick:  Giants.

Carolina at Houston (-6)

The Texans have already clinched the first division title in the franchise’s history, and did so in spite of injuries.  The Panthers have remained in obscurity and have done so in spite of being able to legally pay Cam Newton and his teammates.

Pick:  Panthers.

Detroit at Oakland (+3)

Both of these teams are trying to fight their way out of recent struggles and make their mark on playoff football.  No one has been talking about this game, however, because the last time that a game between these two has had playoff implications was before Al Davis knew what football was.

Pick:  Lions.

New England at Denver (+7.5)

Huh, didn’t know this game was being played this week.  No one is talking about it at all.  Has anyone else seen the ads for the Christian dating website?  I think that they should have Tim Tebow do an ad during the game saying, “Are you sick of pretty boys, and guys with babies out of wedlock?  Stop thinking about looks first and think about God’s role in your relationships.”  They should also make sure their ad comes immediately after Tom Brady’s Ugg boot commercial.

Pick:  Patriots.

New York (A) at Philadelphia (-3)

Teams that have Philadelphia on the schedule still are now being said to have “tough” schedules.  What will it take for people to give up on the hype and “potential” that this Eagles’ team has?  This team is terrible.  The players haven’t come together, the coaching staff is a joke, and people would rather watch a crappier version of Mike Vick play in Denver.

Pick:  Jets (and to win).

Cleveland at Arizona (-6.5)

Colt McCoy was in the news because the hit that he suffered at the hands of James Harrison earned Harrison a suspension and so it was played over and over and over again.  Good thing McCoy will have no recollection of seeing it at all because of the concussion that he wasn’t tested for.  Good job cracking down on those NFL.

Pick:  Cardinals.

Baltimore at San Diego (+2.5)

The Chargers are sliding hard at the end of the year and it looks like they will fall short of the playoffs because of Tim Tebow’s comebacks.  Norv Turner won’t end up being fired because of his own stupidity, but rather someone else’s genius.  Funny how that goes.

Pick:  Ravens.

Pittsburgh at San Francisco (-3)

Well this is weird, a good game between two classic, storied franchises featured on Monday night.  I have become so accustomed to not even thinking of watching football on Monday that I now have to reconsider my whole life it feels like.

Pick:  Steelers (and to win).

NFL Week 13 Handicapper

Philadelphia at Seattle (+3)

Has there ever been another team to look as bad as the Eagles have after the amount of hype that surrounded the beginning of their season?  It’s like Philadelphia has become the Cleveland of Pennsylvania.  The only way that the Eagle’s playoff hope would be alive is if they were playing in the NFC of last year when everyone was the Cleveland of their respective states.

Pick:  Eagles

Tennessee at Buffalo (-1.5)

 Everyone has to be doing it now.  Making the connection that Stevie Johnson is the LeBron James of football.  They both did the mock Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg routine after scoring touchdowns this past week (LeBron in a flag football game), and neither one can score in the fourth quarter to help their teams win.

Pick:  Bills

Kansas City at Chicago (-7)

 These are just two of the teams to get hit hard by the quarterback injuries that seem to be running rampant through the league.  You can tell that teams are getting desperate when they are fighting over Kyle Orton; including the Bears who are fighting to have Orton back for a second go around.  But you can’t blame the Chiefs.  I mean seriously did you see Tyler Palko trying to throw the football?  He looked like a blind guy…with a terrible arm.

Pick:  Bears

Oakland at Miami (-3)

 Could the Raiders really be in the driver seat of the AFC West?  Who says it’s a passing league when you can win your division and have your best player be your kicker?  Seriously, Sebastian Janikowski is the best player on that roster.

Pick:  Raiders (and to win)

Denver at Minnesota (-1.5)

 Can you really call it another great 4^th quarter comeback for Tim Tebow if it comes against the Vikings who give them up more often than Tebow prays?  It would be more impressive if the Broncos could play this entire game while leading.

Pick:  Broncos (and to win)

Indianapolis at New England (-20)

 I know the Colts’ problem.  They have Dan Orlovsky starting at quarterback.  The last time Orlovsky started in the NFL?  When he was on the Lions team that went 0-16.  Usually this would be the flex game that NBC chooses to air on Sunday Night Football. Instead they chose to stay further away from this game than girls do when they see Curtis Painter without a helmet on.

Pick:  Colts

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (-6.5)

 Has there been a better rookie combination than Andy Dalton and AJ Green?  Seriously they are tearing it up like a couple of college kids getting benefits from boosters still.  Didn’t anyone tell them school is over, they are in the real world now, and they need to earn their own money?

Pick:  Bengals

Carolina at Tampa Bay (-3)

 LaGarrette Blount has quickly become one of the best running backs in the league.  I think he is a better running back than Cam Newton, even.  The difference?  At least Blount helps his team win games with the numbers he puts up.

Pick:  Bucs

New York (A) at Washington (+3)

 Sione Pouha, the defensive tackle for the Jets, showed that the Jets are in the denial stage of their crappiness.  After he pretended to shoot himself in the leg, Stevie Johnson put his arms out and “flew” around the endzone like a jet—he then fell to the turf.  Pouha said that this celebration, based on the events of 9/11, was insensitive especially since his team is from New York. Two points:

1. I think he did it as a dig to the “Jets” falling to earth and realizing that they are not as good as their bloated coach has made their bloated egos to believe.
2. The Bills ACTUALLY play their home games in New York.  The Jets play in NEW JERSEY, Pouha, NOT New York.

Pick:  Jets

Atlanta at Houston (+2.5)

 The Houston Texans had it made.  This was their year.  Peyton Manning had to sit, the Colts were vulnerable, they could win the AFC South.  Now they have to start TJ Yates at quarterback.  The good news for them the list of starting quarterbacks in the AFC South this week looks like a list of Bears-level talent at quarterback over the last 10 years:  Yates, Dan Orlovsky, Blaine Gabbard, and an ancient Matt Hasselbeck (who will probably see Jake Locker take some snaps from him).

Pick:  Atlanta

Baltimore at Cleveland (+6.5)

 This is just the type of game that the Ravens would lose the week after beating the 49ers, owners of the second best record in the NFL.  Joe Flacco and company are more inconsistent than the play of those who have donned the cover of “Madden” games…you finally know what I am talking about Cleveland since you had a player good enough for the cover for the first time ever.

Pick:  Browns

Green Bay at New York (N) (+6.5)

 The Giants are no strangers to beating teams with unblemished records.  They are also no strangers to looking like crap at key moments like this one, which would go a long way to keeping their playoff hope alive.  But at least they have those cool gladiator-looking facemasks for some of their defensive linemen.

Pick:  Packers

Dallas at Arizona (+4.5)

 How awesome is it that Arizona Cardinals fans (they are like the Yeti, you hear of sightings, but you are pretty sure they don’t exist) have tasted playoff success more recently than Cowboys fans (they are like Yankees fans, they sold their sold to the Devil to be front-runners with everyone else)?  Truly awesome.

Pick:  Cowboys

St. Louis at San Francisco (-13)

 The 49ers have the second best record in the NFL, but they play in the NFC West.  They are like the Harlem Globetrotters just going around to different towns schooling teams that are worse than most high school and college teams in their respective states.

Pick:  49ers

Detroit at New Orleans (-9)

 Its really nice to see that two cities that have suffered as mightily as New Orleans and Detroit have to contending teams like the Saints and Lions.  Its similarly depressing that they are trailing a team from a town that is, well—a town.  They could fit the entire population in Cowboys stadium and they have a good team that all 100 people can enjoy.

Pick:  Lions (and to win)

San Diego at Jacksonville (+3)

 The Chargers are officially in free fall mode.  They have actually been in that mode for that past 7 seasons, but they played in such a terrible division before that it was masked as being a contender.  The Jaguars finally fired their crappy coach, their division has been so good in the past that his work was “doing the best with the talent he had,” but now it has been exposed as just plain terrible.

Pick:  Chargers